Moving out of the darkness into the light

Depression cripples you… it’s like this dark secret you hide deep within, but it’s always there in the shadows lurking and pulling you back with a few whispers… “You’re worthless… you’ll never amount to anything… come back inside this shell with me… no one cares for you out there…you’re all alone!”

It always appears like a fog creeping in overnight and there is a crow making noise reminding you that you belong with them in the darkness… far from the light. The emptiness inside your soul, bones, mind and heart creates pools of tears at the drop of a hat to slide down your face…without notice, you’re pulled back into the abyss of familiarity that you once climbed far away from.

Yes…. I have a history of depression or just being sad…anxiety. Maybe it’s because we moved around so much in my childhood and I was always forced to reinvent myself, new friends, new life, and all during my high school years.

I remember my earliest memories in my early teens and my wanting to get lost in a sea of sleep. I just couldn’t get myself out of the feeling of melancholy and sadness that would overcome me like shackles…I carried the weight with me for years. Who knew then, that this would be a lifelong battle with periods of desperation and times that were so low, it’s miraculous that you made it out alive.

Well, my old nemesis that is Depression has shown its ugly head again over the past few years.

When things were not going well in my life, financial issues, when my apartment caught fire, or the ceiling caved in and I had to move quickly, or the time that I lost my love, or I was in so much pain that I ended up needing surgery on my spine…the other time I lost my love, plus the struggle of recovery to the time that I lost my job with no severance and lost my insurance 60 days post surgery. I’ve lost so much over the past few years…my house, jobs, pets, loves and have literally had to abandon things and walk away just enough to survive the flames called my life without getting burned up myself.

My challenges with depression have been a lifelong struggle. They go in waves, but lately and especially this year, it’s been severe with every hurdle, every path that I take is a journey on survival.

This was also why I went dark over the past few years and stopped writing… hiding the words and avoiding the voice inside me begging to come out.

There was a time that I wished that I would be able to fall asleep and wake up with all of this washed away. Then there are other times that would hold onto this like a long lost friend.

Lately, everything is better when it’s time to go to bed…I hate waking up and struggling with my plans for the day, reading my emails, applying for jobs, scheduling interviews, then seeing my bank account and knowing my best bet is to stay in bed.

My wish is to regain myself in 2018, get back to my core being, better health, heal my body, listen more, help more, be kinder, better, go to yoga more, date more, explore more, Love more and travel more. Let go of the things that are not serving me well and be more of a minimalist in some ways. Life isn’t about things…it about the moments.

Every day is a struggle, people are fighting silent battles all around you and in the end, try to be kind and be grateful for the people in your life that are there to help.

When you’re at you are feeling close to rock bottom, you’ll find out who your true support system is. These are The keepers… friends and family. Without them right now, I would be lost. I’m at my most vulnerable and am grateful every day that they haven’t given up on me yet.

I am so thankful that I have my family and friends in my life. With the holiday season upon us, they’re bringing in the light to my life right now.


He gave me butterflies & made my heart race

He gave me butterflies from the first time that I set my eyes on him… I think that I always knew he was going to be trouble, how you know in your gut that I was going to love every second spent with him.

After some back and forth, a few phone calls and some photos traded, we decided to meet for a drink. It was only fitting, since he was my neighbor living only 2 blocks away.  We decided to meet after his event/my dinner plans later that night. I’m typically not one for these meetings, I like to have dates and well, I was nervous that he was just a fuckboy seeking all of the wrong things, but perhaps this wouldn’t be a bad thing for a night… or three.


He not only looked like his photos, but was better in person. This tall, dark and handsome man had a smirk and the way that he looked at me was completely disarming. After a drink or two, we went back to my place…the whole night, I was hot and cold on how I felt about him. He pushed my limits, was very respectful, but there was something about this guy…and we talked for what seemed like hours. I didn’t think that I’d ever see him again… He felt like a Fuckboy and I wanted to kiss every inch of him. I had not felt like this in a very long time…

Here I am in my 40’s, curvy, and this 33-year-old successful, smart and hot younger guy was with me? What is he thinking? Yeah… my only conclusion…, Fuckboy.

I remember kissing him goodbye that first night and sending him on his way with a smile. I never thought that I would see him again.

The next night I met up with a girlfriend for happy hour, dinner and some much-needed girl time. We were exchanging dating stories about the men we’d been seeing, and I had downloaded all of the details about him, our night and well, the glow and smile on my face was already giving me away. Hell, I was glowing after that night.

As we began to play with Snapchat filters and then, my phone starts blowing up…. It’s him. I remember feeling butterflies, and being so nervous…my heart was racing just replying to this man. He was asking if we could get together… he was on his way back up east… Next thing you know, I am in a taxi home… he arrives with 2 Bottles of wine and a bottle of Veuve. A man after my own heart… I love my wine.

After another amazing night, we ended up spending the next week together non-stop, when he went to Boston with friends… he even called and talked with me all night long and as soon as he was back home, he was at my side. I was beginning my new job soon, so my nights were filled with him and days on getting the much-needed rest, as well as preparing to start my new role.

Even when either was out late, he would come slip into bed with me in the cold weather and cuddle until dawn and we would part… after a while, we had a routine, and after a few weeks, I had to implement some rules and a curfew. Although I loved having him over, a girl at my age needs some sleep.

This went on for over a month…. and then, he went dark. Nothing…No replies….he disappeared. My heart was crushed… had I caught feelings for this man? We did meet on Tinder, so what was I thinking would happen?

After a week, he reappeared with an apology and told me, “I’m sorry…. I sometimes do this to friends and they know, but I regret doing that to you.”


That made my heart melt…He returned…we continued as we were…. Seeing each other 2 to 3 nights a week for the next few months. Things finally came to the point where we both were together so much, but still able to date other people… so, I finally asked if he was seeing anyone else or what we were doing… He goes… “I’m not seeing anyone, but you right now. I think that we should see other people either together or apart still though and just be honest about it. “

This was when I started realizing that this needed to lighten up, pull back on the number of nights that we were together, and I needed to try dating multiple people…After all, he is 33 years old, still lives with roommates, a strict bachelor lifestyle and I’ve flat out refused to come to his place. I justified this to myself, as I needed to let him be himself… a 33year old single man, and if he wanted to be with me… it would have to be his choice.

At this point, I started dating other people and accidentally texted him thinking it was a friend that I had a date and he replied faster than I could blink with, “You go girl!” … I was mortified.

As things go… he pulled away, I pulled away and yet, we still saw one another one to two nights a week on average. We had some of the most amazing times together and this went on the have some hilarious types of scenarios together, but we stopped talking as much as we once had… I eventually started dating other people, and there was one guy that I will explain, but we were better as close friends and so, I kept seeing The Boy and told him everything about my dating the Banker… and one night, when we were laying together talking… he told me that, “I could date anyone that I wanted, but he was never going to leave me. He would always be around in my life.”

Over the next year, we ended up having periods of time where things were more serious and others where we managed to see one another if not weekly, every other week a few times. I woke up on Christmas morning with him, we boarded ourselves into my apartment during a blizzard together, and other times…it was just a drink. I won’t lie that he held my heart at times, but it was very casual between us. There were times between that we would get very intense for a few weeks, then take a break for a week or two… always in cycles. We were the same, yet different. He still lived the bachelors life and is much younger. I refused to come to his apartment unless he was sick and needed me, which he would always tell me after the fact.


I always had to remember he was also in the lifestyle of going out all the time… I had myself become more of a homebody in the past few years, preferring a bottle of wine and the sofa to a lounge that was loud and crowded. This is where the age difference would come into play.

On or around the year anniversary, we shared some Veuve and had an amazing evening…then, things went back to normal…. Casually seeing each other, yet when we were together, we spoke our own language and no one else would understand it. At times, he would be hot and cold, but there were more discussions around plans, etc.

By late May, things went on as usual… even with some late-night talks about our feelings for one another…giving into the admissions that neither was good with feelings.

After Memorial Day, when I got uncomfortable with pain, he disappeared. He went dark without any communication, no words, just silence. Nothing hurts more than this.

I had let myself fall in love with this man.


I imagined somewhere inside of him there was the man that I had spent all that time with… so, as I had news on my illness, I would text him to let him know… never received a reply until the day before my surgery… He wished me, “Good Luck and apologized for going dark and was sorry that I was going through this.”

I was heartbroken that he’d done this to me. He had broken me in every way possible. How did I let him have this power over me? I was humiliated and yet, loved every inch of his soul.

About 60 days post-surgery, I nearly had a heart attack when he texted me to see how I was doing. My heart was racing, my body was a mess and I replied… He asked to stop by. It was probably the most awkward time that we have ever had together… He was only here for about 20 minutes and we just talked small talk… he was assessing me and by this time, I’d already taken a muscle relaxer and was ready to go to bed. Alone.  When he left…he kissed me and said, “I’ll see you again soon.”

I never thought that I would see him again and I was at peace finally with it, but the heart wants what it wants, and I’ve decided that I don’t really think that we have much choice in the matter. There are people in your life that you connect with, really connect with and he and I were that. He was to me more than I had ever thought he would be…there was a level of need at times, he fulfilled parts of me that I never imagined, yet broke me in every way at the same time.

He waited almost a month before contacting me and as fate would have it, I had a tough day and had been drinking … he was out with colleagues in midtown and asked to stop by, and explained that he had a curfew and would not be able to stay but about 15 minutes. Haha…

As soon as the door opened, he saw me and pulled me close to him and kissed me… he didn’t leave until he had to go home to get ready for work that next morning. We stayed up talking about everything… he kept trying to explain why he went dark, apologized and instead of fighting… I just let him get it out and was grateful to have him back in my life. Late at night when we are laying together talking…he reminds me that I am his…he tells me that he owns me,…body, soul, heart and mind. and I don’t disagree. I just smile and tell him that he is mine too.


He’s back in my life, but we’ve made some changes… I have promised to come to him more and finally met his roommate, and we have been around a few other people, which is weird. Everyone that sees us together says that we really “have something or a strong connection” because we are in our own world when together… I’m not sure where it is going, but I’m not forcing anything…and I am finally learning to just let things happen, as I’m grateful for our time together. While laying in bed, I did grab his balls in my hand, while looking into his eyes and told him if he ever ghosts me again, I’ll come find him. He’s promised he won’t, so here’s to hoping…

Somehow this man has slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.

I’m still trying to meet other people, as I need more than he can offer, but for now, he’s mine and I am his.


I’ve got your back…

Life doesn’t always happen like you think or hope that it will… sometimes it breaks you down so much that you never recover, other times… by sheer will.. you can rebuild yourself from nothing again. I am one of those people that have seriously been challenged so many times in this department in my life. I should receive a medal for the times that this has happened.

You would think by now, I would be used to rebuilding my life. Recovering from pain.

2017 has been a test of all kinds to my life. I’ve struggled with health issues, career, finances, and with men.

The year began trying to find myself again, I had several plans on New Years that I wanted to fulfill.

I had things to figure out… To start with, where I was with The Boy, dating, work, and then, my finances. I was audited on taxes and had that hanging over my head…with everything going on, I kept having these issues with my back aching, shoulder hurting and just feeling terrible.

I had a strenuous trip to Vancouver for business, then less than a month later to Southern California for one of my best friend’s weddings. Instead of 6 hours, it took me over 30 hours to get to the wedding and I wasn’t even in California 24 hours before traveling back home to NYC.

With all the flights etc. over this weekend…. I felt like my back was on fire, I spent the next 3 days getting massages, calling in sick, putting ice on my back, neck…After a few days of rest, I felt a little better… even though I was eating Advil, taking Advil PM to sleep and a bottle a week habit of Advil was really beginning to take turns on my stomach. I was living with Chronic pain and it was beginning to take a toll on my life in the worst way.

This went on for months, until I found myself in Urgent Care one day crying in pain… they gave me a shot in the arm for pain, a sling and told me that I had a bad shoulder sprain. Meanwhile, I made an appointment at the Ortho for a shoulder specialist to have it checked out, but he told me it was my spine and gave me a pain pill and referred me to my old Spine Ortho. After a few weeks of waiting to get into see her….By this time, I was in constant pain, at the rate of 10/10 on the pain charts, crying, and had lost the feeling in my right hand, most of the fingers on my right hand, and down my right fore arm…all numb, tingling, and felt constantly like I had hit my funny bone and these pains were shooting up and down my arm at all times. I was miserable.

It was finally mid-June. By this time, I had a series of bad x-rays where they told me that my cervical spine was shaped in the wrong direction? What?

In the image below, the one on the left is correct curve, mine would be the right.


After another week, I went back to my Ortho for the results to the MRI. After seeing her face upon entering the room, I knew it was not good news. You see, we had an agreement with the previous back issues that she would never refer me to a surgeon for spine surgery unless it was really necessary. I will never forget sitting there in the room looking at the scans and hearing the options and first one, being a Spinal surgeon, second, more spine injections, but these would not fix the issue, the third, getting the nerves tested, but again…this would not fix the issue.

The issue was that the discs were cutting off the nerves in my cervical spine as shown below.


After walking out of the Doctors office, I had a series of items and papers full of referrals to call for appointments… options. This was my “Oh Shit” moment… This was real.

At first, I called the surgeon to get into make an appointment and they did not take my insurance, so I went on a mad search to find other surgeons, referrals to several, it was right after The 4th of July, so it was a popular week to be off for the week. Me, I was planning my future and trying to understand how this would look. After an hour, the first surgeon’s office that did not take my insurance called me back and told me that the surgeon was able to review my MRI and since he knew my doctor so well, and trusted her opinion that he would fit me into the schedule the following morning for a consult. In regards to the insurance, they would file it, but would not charge me for the costs, if not covered.

The following morning, frightened and in pain… I walked into the Park Avenue office and began my journey.

He was a very handsome, kind, yet professional Surgeon. His bedside manner was very precise and he was meticulous with his observations, exercises and questions. After awhile, I was invited into his office to sit down and walk through some of my MRI images and discuss options.

It was determined that due to my spinal stenosis, disc degeneration, and disc herniation that I required a 2 level ACDF surgery on my cervical spine C5-C7. They would also remove bone from my hip to rebuild the discs. I loved how they explain that they will be going through the front of my neck, moving my throat and windpipe to get to the spine, remove the discs, rebuild the discs and insert cages and steel screws/plates to stabilize the spine.

The surgery would be scheduled in a few weeks and would take a few hours, with an over night stay or two, then home on bed rest with a slew of restrictions.

Fast forward 3 weeks, I was in the hospital with my mother and friend early in the morning getting ready to undergo Spine Surgery. The things that they don’t tell you, they tell you at this time in the morning…. They’re enough quick discussions and documents to sign in the blink of an eye that have you seriously reconsidering why you’re doing this at all… all frightening.

One guy checks vitals, another nurse cleans me and does this twice and takes weight (yay.. still down 15lbs), as well as confirmation that I am not pregnant (what a joke), then…. puts you in a fetching outfit, socks, and you wait. This is when the parade begins…The Resident, who gives me the whole scoop of the people that will be coming by…he starts telling me that I will be restrained and there will be pins placed in my head to keep me from moving… Umm… What? It’s like the Christmas Past/Present/Future…. and he takes blood, more vitals, reconfirms everything and explains that when the surgery is over they are performing now is over, they will come by…Anesthesiologist, A Doctor that strictly comes in and monitors the surgery to ensure that the Surgeon does not get too close to the spine, itself to cause damage, The Surgical Nurse to reevaluate me, and finally…The Spine Surgeon. He comes by reconfirm everything taking place with a few clarifying questions and then, takes out a pen to draw on my neck to where the incision will be. I want to crap my pants right now, but they took my panties.

After about 15 more minutes, the Nurse comes to put me in the wheelchair to take me to the surgery room…. we travel down a very sterile, cold hallway…you can feel death all around you.. I remind myself why I really hate hospitals. Once we get to the room, I’m moved to the surgeon table and am freezing, there is loud heavy metal music blasting and they explain the surgeon likes this while performing surgery… This is when I notice that the table has straps on it.. there is a part for my body, then my arms are away from the body with straps to tie me in with velcro ties and the same for my legs. This is when they strap me in and hook up the IV and I was gone for the next 5 hours.

I wake up in recovery… I can barely talk, my eyes are not functioning well and it’s really loud and busy. I have pains in places I’ve never had and I’m dying of thirst. I just want to go home. This is where I hear all of the alarms and realize that they are coming from me. I have monitors everywhere, I smell blood, and all I want to do is cry and sleep.

After seeing my mother and friend, barely recalling anything from this… I recall them being shuffled out. After waiting hours in recovery, they come back and tell us that they cannot move me to a room and I will have to remain in the recovery area overnight… with this, they send my mother home and tell her I can’t have visitors. At this point, I was freaking out… I had so much blood everywhere.. no one bothered to help with the blood from surgery.. it was in my hair, ears, neck down my clothes and everything smelled like copper. I was a mess. I hate to be dirty…I loathe dirty hair too…

After a lot of horrible nurses, poor treatment and non stop crying from being in pain and being treated like shit…. someone (another doctor) finally came to offer me some ice cubes, water and pain medication. The nurses acted like it was an inconvenience to help me…everyone else had their people with them in the recovery room, with the exception of me.

They decided to move me to a hospital bed from the gurney after several hours and the alarms continued.. emanating from my body with every movement. I soon realized this was my pulse and blood pressure from the pain. The incision on my hip hurt like hell and every time the pain was more severe the alarms got worse. At one point, there were so many people standing over me trying to get my Blood pressure down and apparently they were giving me shots of insulin to control blood sugars that were spiked and I’m not a diabetic.

After another dose of pain meds, I woke up to an empty recovery room, it was dark and some lights on with emergencies still coming through all night. I had a new nurse who tried to help clean me up and make me more comfortable. She actually gave me wet towels and etc to help with keeping me comfortable.

The hospital experience was complete shit.

Finally, the surgeon came by early and was extremely upset that I was still in recovery when he came to check on me. He promised I could go home and he would release me to get out of there that day. There were 2 clowns that took me for xrays and left me in a hallway for 30 minutes or more and when they finally brought me back to the recovery area, all of my tubes were bent and a miss. My mother came to help me clean up, the resident and nurses finally gave me some jello, water, and a sponge bath. However, they never helped with the blood in my hair/neck and etc.

When I got home, my poor mother had the job of feeding me, helping me bathe/shower and worse. I looked like someone had beat the hell out of me. They had shaved the hair above my ears to insert the pins into my skull to stabilize me during surgery and these sores were still bleeding and gave me throbbing headaches…they hurt so much. I had bruises all over my arms, legs, and body from where I was strapped down to the table during surgery and had apparently tried to escape…I was told by previous surgeons that I have had “out of body” experiences during surgery and this one was no different. The entire lower right abdomen was so painful where they removed bone for the discs. My throat felt like someone had removed it and put it back, it was scratchy and I couldn’t stop coughing when eating and drinking. Makes sense…they did move my throat. Lol

I was frightening looking.. I was tired, but sleeping wasn’t easy…I was wearing a hard collar and the incision on my hip made it impossible to lay on that side. All of the crap I bought to a pillow wedge, body pillow, Side sleeping pillow…didn’t help.

I had a Miami J collar on and this would be my companion for the next 3 weeks.

I am very happy that I went through the surgery. I feel so much better that I realized that I must have been in chronic pain for so many years.

The recovery has been overall much better than anticipated. In the beginning there were so many pains and there still are, but after we finally got all of the blood out of my hair (not an easy task) and I was able to shower alone, it was a little better. I probably returned to work too soon, but given that I was a contractor, I had no choice.  I kept pushing my limits with lifting, movements and etc. I obeyed physical therapy and would end up in so much pain hours later for doing the tiniest movements.

All that I can say is….I’m grateful for my family and friends during this time in helping me with things. After stopping trying to do all of these simple tasks (making my bed, laundry and etc.) helped me tremendously. Thankfully, I live in NYC and can get things delivered. After returning to work, I was laid off, but since I was a consultant… I did not earn any severance, so the stress of being 60 days post surgery with no income and no insurance is seriously frightening.


I’m 90 days post surgery and I am very happy that I went through the surgery. I still have to be careful, especially in winter with falling to not hurt myself. I am not fully able to feel the tips of my fingers yet, they’re still a little numb, my abdomen is completely numb from the hip to the groin, I have arthritis and other aches and pains still. However, I feel so much better that I did before. I realized that I must have been in chronic pain for so many years.

I have another follow up with x-rays at my 6 month anniversary, which is exciting and hopefully, by then I will be able to return to the gym and etc.

This takes care of the cervical spine, after this, we will be focusing on my lumbar spine issues to ensure that area is stable and not worsening…like I told the surgeon, we will deal with that when the time comes and I can’t walk.

There are so many more details around this time of my life… I am sure they will come about in my many other posts… as everything happening in one part of your world impacts another part of your life.

I’m actively trying to find a new job, and am interviewing a lot, but it’s a tough time of the year.

I’ve found myself close to rock bottom lately with trying to figure out how I can pay medical bills, rent, electric, buy food and etc. I’ve only 10 weeks of unemployment at $400/week and that doesn’t cover rent, and etc.

I’ve never been good at asking for help, but I’ve set up a account here Go Fund Me in case you can help with anything  at any denomination.

Thank you in advance for any help.

I’m still healing everyday…

The Boy…

The Boy

He was the first one to write… we both swiped right on one another… flirted back and forth… established where we both lived compared to each other…. Then, he vanished…like people do.

The next was a playful Ivy league graduate in Mathematics, soccer player, worked for his own Investment firm…very cute. He was about  9 years younger or less…We flirted back and forth, then he asked me out. We went on a few dates and all of which, he was a complete gentleman… after a few nights of drinks, banter and not even a single kiss… I kind of wrote him off. After days of silence, he started texting me again… flirting…. explaining he was courting me… so the affair begins… He was definitely responsible for getting my groove back… it was like delivery. All I had to do was text him and he came running over…sometimes bringing wine with him.

He even met me after a flight home… wished me a happy birthday, and you ask, “what happened to him?”  He ended up going on a series of trips and one of them was over a month gone… with this, I ended up answering other men… and well, things happen for a reason…

This is where, “The Boy” entered my life… he’s 10 years younger than me.


The fountain of youth…

Where to begin…. I’m still single, so the long-distance thing never worked out…as it never really does, does it? Now, after sharing so much of yourself with someone and dreams, hopes, and experiences… then, it just disappears…evaporates and you’re strangers again. I ended up giving up dating for a while…I believe that I went almost 2 years without intimacy or any kind of romance in my life, other than some random dates that were less satisfying than a hot bath and glass of wine.


I have tried to build out a career, where I thought that I had one, but in the end…that didn’t work out as planned either, yet then I will become one of those people quoting cliché’s… “Everything happens for a reason”, “Another fish in the Sea or Plenty of fish in the sea”, “Just when you stop looking…love finds you”… it’s like finding a fucking apartment in New York City.. That shit doesn’t happen easily, and it doesn’t happen without investment… like 3 months’ rent or approximately $15-20K USD. Lol. Don’t get too excited…that doesn’t include the broker fee or moving costs.

I literally had so many bad dates that I will highlight in time, I met an old colleague out for drinks and she enlightened me on her success with online dating and Tinder. So, I begin….

After several glasses of wine and tapas… the conversation moved to the new adventures of dating… We had both had bad experiences with men our own age and older, but after our storytelling… I explained… how I was literally made to feel guilty for being from one man our age because he had erectile dysfunction… he turned it around to acting like I was some sex hungry slut and if you know anything about me, well… I don’t put up with this shit…I hit back and below the belt and managed to pull out a PowerPoint quickly in my head on his inadequacies, yet explained that I dated him anyway…by this point, I knew there was no coming back. He had treated me with such ugliness to have me come back that I was beyond consoling… Then, I’d met another man my age that decided to lie about his being married, another who completely was lying about living locally and managed to tell me later it took him 4 hours to get home to Boston, as he thought that I was going to let him stay over??!?! WTF.

After these stories, she recommended that I get over the whole issue that I had with dating younger men and open my search criteria to 10 years younger and 10 years older. Me, dating younger men? Jesus, did these men really want to meet an older woman?

So, after a bottle or three of wine, I changed my Tinder settings and on the Uber ride home…. I had a series of matches with very attractive, educated men… all 10 years younger… all flirting with me….


Could this be the solution to my dating dilemmas? Forget the crotchety older men with families, issues and that were resentful for the uninhibited younger men that are still enjoying their lives?  J

Let the fun begin… My journey to dating younger men…..does this mean that I’m a Cougar? Meow… :


Been a longtime gone….

It’s been awhile…. And I need to apologize for my absence.  First, I would like to personally say, “Thank you” to all of you that have reached out over the years to inquire where I went, to support my writing and to encourage me to keep writing…

No, I’m not dead, I haven’t met “The One” … I’ve continued to live in NYC, lose a few jobs, gain a few jobs, lose a few pounds, then….regain a few pounds…I’ve lost some friends and gained some new friends… had a fire in my NYC apartment, had the ceiling in my apartment literally cave in over my bed and dealt not only with a slum lord, to the extent that I had to get an attorney involved and 311, I’ve had some medical issues… some not so serious… and others…well, let’s just say that Spine surgery wasn’t a piece of cake….yet, I’ve continued to keep my wits about me. Then, there is the dating and the entire side of being single in NYC… yes, I’ve got some grand stories… and as things tend to go in my life.. the scales keep tipping in and out of favor, as do the jobs, as I continuously choose companies that seem to either get acquired, or have some truly large issues…At present, I’ve found myself again, at a crossroads…broke, healing, broken, unemployed, dating, and vulnerable to the world…  then, there is the men…they are continuously recycle and reappear… I think that I’ve withheld in telling some of these stories, not because they aren’t worthy, but as things have happened…life gets messy and with catching feelings, heartbreak and missed opportunities… so does dating and so, I’ll begin soon…and you will be a part of my new beginning, yet…. I will fill you in on what adventures you missed along the way.



Another year down…


Why is it as we age, we start reminiscing more? 

It was my birthday week and another year slipped by with happy hour, cocktails, meeting & celebrating  with friends a hangover or two and I’ve realized that I have some amazing people in my life from all walks of life and from all backgrounds. I am blessed with a full life of friends and family. At times challenges, but all is with good intentions. 

I’ve made some committments to myself this year that I’ve not kept well on and decided as I was walking through Central Park today, and noticing the ponds beginning to thaw that it’s time that I start making good on these and quit making excuses. 


My treat to myself was to attend a past life regression workshop with Mira Kelly and she shared some wise words with us about, “following everything that excites you, not to let fear get in the way and be open to new experiences.” 

I know, I could read this in a book, yet it rings true as I want to make changes in my life for the good, yet get stuck and end up sitting on the sofa making excuses. 

At work, im a part of a strong womens network and we were working on our video’s for #passthetorch4women and I wrote and recorded to be more of an inspiration and influencer for women to be their authentic selves, but in hindsight I need to remember to do this, it has to start with me. 

I need to be comitted to nuturing my own soul before I can be committed to inspiring change in others. 

I’m committing to myself to make more positive changes, to challenge myself and inspire myself to be better. 

Committing to be better with nuturing myself, healing my body and getting myself back in shape physically and mentally inside and out. 

I’m on a new path…of taking care of myself first and loving who I am and who I’ve become, so that I can allow love in my world and make a difference through my changes. I am going to trust myself more and listen to my body, mind and not give as much to others of myself, but support from the side as a partner. 

This may be a great new beginning. 

Timing is Everything…

You know the story, as it’s been written about in a lifetime of stories for centuries and it always starts with….Boy meets girl.

Boy makes girl smile, he makes her laugh and tells her she is pretty, smart, engaging and then, there is the chemistry. I haven’t even gotten to the similarities yet…finishing each other’s thoughts and sentences. Ahh…the beginning of a new relationship is blooming.  

I’ve met a man who makes my heart spin cartwheels, he makes me smile so often that my face hurts, and his voice calms me when I hear it. At times, it’s as if we are the very mirror image of one another in many ways. 

How is life so cruel? You meet the perfect person for you, seems to be the one, you know the one person that compliments you, the one that you didn’t even know that you were looking for and yet, you don’t have timing on your side. There are clues that something is amiss, but you call it an off moment. Then, you settle into the slow responses, or no responses,  then the long silences, and eventually, you say your “goodbyes” and all that you remember is the word “friends” being mentioned.  Then, you pick yourself up, put on your mask and step back into the world alone. Again. 

Isn’t life funny? This is simply the universe whispering to me that, “Timing is Everything.”

I reply, “Timing is a Bitch!l”

What am I doing?

Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? There are twists, turns, emotions, sadness, excitement and heightened feelings and emotions, as you try to fit everything into a small amount of time. 

You’re partner is like a dealer of love or attention, and when they pull away or don’t lend that same attention or feeling to you…you want it more. It’s a sick game that your mind plays on you, as you slip from being that once confident person to becoming the one lying on the bathroom floor or laying in an empty be night after night going over every detail to try to figure out just when you stopped being the one and turned into that pathetic, needy version of yourself. 

I’m not that person, but I can tell you from experience, I’ve been that person more than once. In all of life, I’ve never had one  homerun in life in love, where I’ve felt the comfort in knowing someone will still be waiting for me when I get home… unless you’re talking about my four legged friends. Let’s be honest, they stay because I feed them. 

In the back of my head, I always think that it is just a matter of time until this happens…the second guessing, a rough day and the day ends with one or both of you not making each other a priority. 

Things slip, you stop talking a day here, stop sharing ideas, and you both add some space to focus on work, life and etc…until it eventually fades into just friends. I don’t handle this well when I can’t see someone, and I’ve never been good at long distance relationships or relationships where one travels too much between seeing one another. 

Part of me knows this, then the other part is holding onto hope or a glimpse of this working out. It’s a cruel joke that life plays on you, especially when there are so many odds against you from the beginning. 

My core tells me that it’s about managing, “the little things” and through these affirmations daily, you can try to beat the odds, but in life there are no guarantees and all is fair in Love and war, they say. 

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